News

Hollywood and the celebrity gossip mill often seem like harmless forms of entertainment – dissecting the fashion, lifestyles, and personal lives of entertainers can be light-hearted watercooler conversations. The personal lives and dramas of our favourite entertainers become global news stories, and we see relationships play out on a massive scale.

Amber Heard Vs. Johnny Depp

This was the case when actress Amber Heard recently filed for divorce from famous actor Johnny Depp. But the news quickly became serious: Heard filed for a restraining order, and accused Depp of repeated physical abuse throughout their marriage. Once again, a celebrity abuse case is front-page news.

Much of the public commentary has been supportive of Depp, with many accusations and criticism directed at Heard. The backlash and outcry directed at Heard is an all-too-familiar response that many women face when they flee their abusers. While we’ve made steps to have supportive resources and help available for those who leave abusive relationships, there’s still a tendency to question victims about the experiences and circumstances that led to abuse. This is called victim-blaming.

Victim-blaming

The term “victim-blaming” has dominated headlines with high-profile cases such as Jian Ghomeshi and Brock Turner. But what does it mean exactly? Victim-blaming is defined by The Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime as: “A devaluing act that occurs when the victim(s) of a crime or an accident is held responsible — in whole or in part — for the crimes that have been committed against them. This blame can appear in the form of negative social responses from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances.”

The blame and shame associated with domestic violence is enough to make many survivors stay in abusive relationships, or rationalize the behavior of their abusers. Earlier this year, Interval House commissioned a study which found that 37% of Ontarians believed that a person is responsible for the consequences if they choose to stay in a violent relationship. The belief was higher in men (46%) then women. Unfortunately, many people still question why a woman would stay in the relationship, putting the onus on her to end the abuse, not on her abuser.

Changing the conversation

Questions like “Why did she stay for so long?” “Why did she get into an abusive relationship?” “How could she allow that to happen to her?” make the abuse about what the victim did. Why isn’t the question “How could he ever think it was okay to abuse her?” “How could he not seek help for his actions?” The conversation is focused on the woman’s role in the partnership, when the reality is that no one ever deserves, asks for, or consents to abuse.

These harmful reactions from others – strangers and loved ones alike – only serve to reinforce the cycle of abuse, and can result in women staying in abusive relationships longer, refusing to report violence and seek outside help, or even refusing to leave altogether. Questions and disbelief don’t necessarily come from individuals far removed from the situation as we see in the Heard vs. Depp case, but often even from some of the victim’s closest support network.

Being in an abusive relationship is an isolating experience as it is. Being trapped in an unhealthy and painful relationship, while keeping up the veneer of a happy partnership is exhausting. It’s easy for survivors of violence to fall into the trap of self-blame and think incorrectly “I deserved this.” “If only I hadn’t been so _____”.

To open up about the reality of an abusive relationship is a courageous act. We must change the conversation around abuse, and empower survivors of domestic violence. Abuse does not discriminate, and neither should we. Whether a Hollywood actress or an everyday woman, we owe survivors our compassion, empathy, and non-judgement. Living free from violence is not a privilege; it is a right.

It’s okay to be angry, but it’s the way we deal with our anger that matters. That’s the message at the heart of a new activity introduced in the children’s program designed to teach kids to develop good coping strategies. The Zones of Regulation¹ sessions start with colour-coded zones—red, yellow, green and blue—to help children identify how their brains and bodies feel.

Through a series of activities, children learn to help themselves when they become stressed, bored, anxious or sad. They come away with a toolbox of strategies including breathing exercises and counting-down exercises—to stay in a zone, or move from one to another.

Rubina, the Children’s Counsellor Advocate who runs the program, says many of the children at the shelter have been exposed to violent incidents; they often emulate adults including the rage, anger and grief they have seen. Children learn to recognize these emotions as the “Red Zone”, feelings of being out of control. She says, “The most heartbreaking thing for mothers to see is when their child is doing the same thing that the father used to do.”

Rubina says these kinds of children’s programs are so important at Interval House because it ensures the next generation will have the tools to build resilience and thrive as they move on with the rest of their lives. “We tell them that the Green Zone—happy, calm and focused— is where they should try to be most of the time, and we help them figure out how to bring themselves back there.”

Your generous support helps provide programs like this one to help women and their children break the cycle of violence.

1. Created by Kuypers Consulting, Inc.

In February of this year, Interval House posed this question to Ontarians through an Angus Reid Omnibus Survey: “What are the most important factors that contribute to abusive behaviour?” We let them answer in their own words and used the most common responses to make a word cloud. Each week for the next month, we’re addressing a common attitude about the causes of domestic violence to investigate: is it true? Or is it a myth?

In this post, we answer: does a desire for power and control cause domestic violence?

For the past month, we’ve covered many of the popular beliefs about what causes domestic violence. In this final post, we’re going to cover the last theme that emerged when we talked to Ontarians: power and control.

If you take a look at the word cloud, “control” was one of the most popular responses; “power” was also a common response. Is domestic violence caused by a desire for power and control?

TRUE: As you may have guessed if you read the other posts in our series, domestic violence is usually caused by the abuser feeling entitled to hold a position of power over their partner.

For example, in last week’s post, we talked about how wanting to be powerful and controlling can be a learned behaviour for abusers who experienced or witnessed abuse as children. And in other weeks, we talked about how power and control are the real motivations, even in cases involving an abuser’s substance abuse, mental illness, or anger management problems.

The underlying cause is the desire for power and control – it’s the common denominator in every abusive intimate partner relationship.

Power and Control Wheel

Anti-violence advocates and women’s organizations often use the “Power and Control Wheel” ¹ to show the common behaviours that abusers use to establish and maintain control over their partner. This model explains domestic violence as involving a continuum of behaviours that overlap:

• Coercion & threats
• Emotional abuse
• Minimizing, denying, blaming
• Using children
• Economic abuse
• Male privilege

All of these behaviours are about one partner controlling the other. Physical violence in an abusive relationship is often accompanied by “domestic terrorism”: emotional, psychological, and financial abuse that further erodes their partner’s independence, self-esteem, and access to the outside world.

And this power and control is usually gendered. The reason that people who identify as women represent the vast majority of abuse survivors is because of the belief that men have a right to control women. This goes beyond an individual partner’s alcoholism or anger management issues: it’s a systemic issue that stems from widespread beliefs about women being “less than” men.

Of course, we see this gendered power imbalance at play outside of abusive relationships:

• When women face sexual harassment and assault walking down the street, in their schools, workplaces, and homes
• When women earn less than men and are less represented in positions of power in business and government
• When women are blamed by their families, friends, or others when they talk about violence they experienced
• And in a whole host of other situations that people who identify as women confront every day

But, if domestic violence is about a bigger system that sets up men to have power and control over women, then… how do we even begin to end domestic violence?

Well, there’s obviously not an easy answer. But if domestic violence is about attitudes towards women, we can challenge those attitudes.

To work to end the root causes of domestic violence, we can:

• Speak out about the issue of violence against women
• Hold perpetrators of violence accountable, and not excuse their violence
• Believe survivors of violence who share their stories and tell them it’s not their fault
• Support opportunities for women to become independent and economically self-sufficient, like Interval House’s BESS program

The causes of abusive behaviour may not be straightforward, but we can still work to end domestic violence. Learn how else you can take action.

This is the last post in our myth-busting series. Check out our earlier posts:

• Part 1: What are the causes of domestic violence?
• Part 2: Does substance abuse cause domestic violence?
• Part 3: Does mental illness or anger cause domestic violence?
• Part 4: Does a history of childhood abuse cause abusive behaviour?
• Part 5: Is domestic violence about power and control?

Sources:

1. © 2011 Duluth Model Power and Control Wheels from Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

When a woman leaves an abusive situation and comes to our shelter, she’ll have many questions and unknowns about Interval House, the process, and the timelines for rebuilding her life. One of the questions we’re asked most often is how long do women stay at our shelter?

The answer: A woman will typically stay at our shelter for three to four months. This timeline is for several reasons. After her stay with Interval House, many residents will move into City of Toronto subsidized housing. This resettlement process takes three to four months.

There is typically a five- to six- year waiting list for subsidized housing. However, domestic violence survivors that can provide documentation that they lived with their abuser can get on a priority waiting list due to safety concerns.

A period of three or four months is also a good amount of time for a woman to get through the initial crisis and feel ready to be independent again.

But this is only a rough estimate. It’s certainly not etched in stone. Each situation is different, and timelines are specific to each family and their needs. If a family is approaching three months at our shelter and are not ready to move out, they are definitely welcome to stay with us longer.

Some reasons a women may stay with us longer include:

• Severe trauma: For example, if she experienced severe physical violence, potentially resulting in her needing medical attention.
• Immigration status: A woman’s immigration status can delay and complicate her ability to access housing, particularly government-subsidized housing.
• Disability: Women or children who need accessible housing often have to wait longer to find a unit that’s suitable for them to move into.
• Safety: If her abuser is stalking her and finds her, we need to transfer her to another shelter, which can prolong the process of her moving out on her own.
• Lack of documentation: If a woman can’t prove that she lived with her abuser, she won’t be eligible for the priority list through the City and we’ll need to help her look at other housing options.

Whether she stays for the typical three or four months—or stays for a longer period of time—we want to help her rebuild and get back on her feet.

What are the most important factors that contribute to abusive behaviour?

In February of this year, Interval House posed this question to Ontarians through an Angus Reid Omnibus Survey: “What are the most important factors that contribute to abusive behaviour?” We let them answer in their own words and used the most common responses to make a word cloud. Each week for the next month, we’re addressing a common attitude about the causes of domestic violence to investigate: is it true? Or is it a myth? In this post, we answer: does a history of childhood abuse cause abusive behaviour?

One of the most common words used by Ontarians to describe the cause of abusive behaviour was, unsurprisingly, “abuse” – it’s the second most common word used in responses.  This is partly because many respondents pointed to childhood abuse as a cause of abusive behaviour later in life; “childhood” and “history” can also be found in the word cloud.

This is something we often hear: that exposure to abuse as a child leads people to become abusive later in life. Is this true?

TRUE, SOMETIMES: There are undoubtedly long-term, serious effects of experiencing or witnessing abuse as a child. Studies show that children who are exposed to violence can be more likely to repeat the cycle that they learned and grow up to become either victims or abusers themselves.1

This is true even for kids who aren’t themselves the targets of abuse. Children who witness acts of violence, against their mother or someone else in the home “can be affected in the same way as children who are physically and sexually abused.”2

Children living in a violent environment like this may come to believe that this behaviour is acceptable, and this has long-term consequences for their development. UNICEF writes that, “The single best predictor of children becoming either perpetrators or victims of domestic violence later in life is whether or not they grow up in a home where there is domestic violence.”3

This is why Interval House’s Children’s Program is so important.

It’s crucial that we’re able to intervene with kids at a young age, offering them the opportunity to learn about healthy relationships, conflict resolution, self-esteem, and boundaries.

But at the same time, it’s important to note that the relationship between childhood exposure to violence and abuse later in life isn’t a given. While many adult abusers and survivors of violence did grow up with violence in the home, not all children with domestic violence in the home experience violence again later in life.

And not all abusers were abused or exposed to domestic violence as children. While learning these behaviours from a parent or other adult can be a powerful way that violence, power, and control become normalized, it’s not the only way that abusers learn these behaviours. A belief in men’s right to control women, or a desire for power and control can stem from other circumstances. We’ll tackle the root causes of this belief in our final post, next week.

Stay tuned for the final post in our myth-busting series, where we tackle the question: does a desire for power and control cause domestic violence?

• Part 1: What are the causes of domestic violence?
• Part 2: Does substance abuse cause domestic violence?
• Part 3: Does mental illness or anger cause domestic violence?
• Part 4: Does a history of childhood abuse cause abusive behaviour?
• Part 5: Is domestic violence about power and control?

Sources:

1. http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf
2. http://www.vawnet.org/Assoc_Files_VAWnet/PCAA_DVandChild.pdf
3. http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf